Portion Control

Me: Did you have a brownie?
Jay: No, I just had a bite. Go look at the pan.
Me: What's the difference between having a "brownie" and having a "bite of a brownie?" Is there a standard size?
Jay: A brownie is one-ninth of the pan.

Super Hero Fighting Power

You've got to have good steel so you can fight like a ninja!!

(grrr)

Comic error

"Uh, sorry dude, Superman's "S" is not yellow. Hell, I'm colorblind and I know Superman's "S" is red."

A Different Kind of Secret

How can Victoria's Secret determine whether or not you have financial ruin?

Vocabulary Lesson

Jay: Carla got a rotisserie chicken and made wheat crumble.
B: Um...wheat crumble?
Jay: Yeah, wheat crumble.
Carla: It was couscous.
Jay: I ain't callin it couscous!! It's cotton pickin wheat crumble!

Twenty minutes later after the subject was changed...

Jay: The problem with that stuff is, that if you aren't careful, you'll hork it into your brain.

Slightly Inappropriate

To Mary Beth:

"Wow MB, with the elevated boots on you are actually like a ride in the amusement park".

Red-Handed

Me: Did you eat all the donuts?
Jay: I did not eat any of them, I only ate two.
Me: Making no sense what-so-ever.
Jay: You have to go on the defensive around this joint or your ass will be put in a crate!

Overheard at Haw Ridge

"It's not cake if it doesn't have frosting - it's just flavored bread."

Maybe There's an App for That

Jay just called me and asked me where he could get some kerosene. Because I should know that?

Never Fear

"You can always find what you're looking for at a Ford dealership."

This after driving for DAYS looking for a "mom & pop" place for breakfast, stopping a guy walking through the Ford dealership parking lot, and asking him.

Things I Don't Want to Know

"What are you talking about? Everyone is in love with Tom Selleck! Hell, I'd do him!"

For Lack of the Correct Word

Jay: Uh, ma'am, could you add a bowl of that, that goomus on the side?
Server: *blink,* *blink*
Me: Sorry, he means "whipped cream."

worried and boogered

"The cottin pickin thing got jammed in there, and, you know, I tried to worry it out of there but I ended up having to beat the piss out of it to bust it loose and boogered it up pretty bad so I worked on it a while to pretty it up some before I brought it in for you to fix it."

The Idea Guy

Jay: I did invent the double-ended mailbox, you know.

Distracted

Me: You're not listening to me.
Jay: I can't listen to you.
Me: Why not?
Jay: Because your mouth is moving but your boobs are everywhere.