Things I Don't Want to Know

"What are you talking about? Everyone is in love with Tom Selleck! Hell, I'd do him!"

For Lack of the Correct Word

Jay: Uh, ma'am, could you add a bowl of that, that goomus on the side?
Server: *blink,* *blink*
Me: Sorry, he means "whipped cream."

worried and boogered

"The cottin pickin thing got jammed in there, and, you know, I tried to worry it out of there but I ended up having to beat the piss out of it to bust it loose and boogered it up pretty bad so I worked on it a while to pretty it up some before I brought it in for you to fix it."

The Idea Guy

Jay: I did invent the double-ended mailbox, you know.

Distracted

Me: You're not listening to me.
Jay: I can't listen to you.
Me: Why not?
Jay: Because your mouth is moving but your boobs are everywhere.