Observations

Me: Why do hikers STILL go hiking unprepared? Seems like everyday they're having to rescue someone from the GSM backwoods...

Jay: They go in thinking there's a Burger King nearby.

Safety First

"I'm going to drink a huge glass of wine and operate heavy power tools."

Options

You can have any color you want from me as long as it's black.*


*Jay told me last night that was a Henry Ford quote...

If it Falls Down, You'll Know Why

So that hole in the wall, I jammed napkins in it and then covered it with putty...

Crossing the Border

My phone is Canadian. It doesn't understand English very well.

Gender Differences

Me: Why are they remaking Bambi and acting like it's such a great children's movie? His mother gets murdered and he grows up an orphan.

Jay: Bambi was a boy? That's a girl's name.

Heritage

Jay: I'm like a redneck Sicilian - you know, if there was such a thing.

Me: I'm pretty sure there is.

Growing Old Gracefully

Jay: Those guys are totally crotchety.
Me: That's how you're going to be when you get old.
Jay: No!
Matthew: Uh, dude, I think you're already there.

get it on already

So, Have you all christened the new house yet?

Hell no, Carla wont even take a dump up there yet!

Portion Control

Me: Did you have a brownie?
Jay: No, I just had a bite. Go look at the pan.
Me: What's the difference between having a "brownie" and having a "bite of a brownie?" Is there a standard size?
Jay: A brownie is one-ninth of the pan.